Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.
Qualifications: No education or experience.
I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.
My compensation should be at least equal to my age.
Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC.
Fired because I fought for lower pay.
Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 65 .
Please disregard the enclosed resume-it is terribly out of date.
Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.
Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word paranoia. I prefer to elaborate privately.
Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.
I am a rabid typist.
Work History: Performed brain wave tests,.
After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to
pursue a new line of work.
As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.
Suspected to graduate earlynce analyzing investments.
Suspected to graduate early next year.
Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.
Proven ability to track down and correct erors.
Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.
Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
Note: Keep this resume on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house.
Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting. (Translation: Short-order cook.)
But wait...theres more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.
I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
My fortune cookie said, Your next interview will result in a job-and I like your company in particular
Title: Another resume from the Profiles in Excellence series.
Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, x-it.
Trustworthy references available upon request-if I give them a few bucks.
Lets meet so you can ooh and ahh over my experience.